comique
Member 
Love born from song
Can never post anything right the first time.
Posts: 298
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Post by comique on Sept 29, 2011 19:45:08 GMT -5
Heh, neat idea! XD Very well written! I'm not too good at giving critiques ... at all. And I can't think of anything you should change. But still I really like it! <3 ^^;
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Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
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Post by Sharky on Sept 29, 2011 22:01:51 GMT -5
Yay! More stuff! <3 Took me ages to get to this thanks to so many distractions. @~@
First thing.... OMG PLEASE TELL ME RENÉ GETS MORE INVOLVED LATER ON? :DDD Lol if you have no plans for him that's fine. xD
Also, his "POURQUOI?!" moment made me laugh a little. Not because it's bad or anything! It just reminded me of this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD1SdUeRcdU
:X -wonders if I totally ruined that dramatic moment- Probably did. D:
So far you're doing wonderful, especially with them smexy scenes. ;D The one at the end made me squee with pervy delight! (Mandible grabbin'? Yes please! <3 )
As for constructive stuff, I don't have much to say. The attack scene still feels a little off to me but I can't put my finger on it... Other than that nagging feeling, I think all of your additions and modifications are really good. :D Chaos being more irritable definitely works better. Having that along with his gentleness towards Franc will be a delicate balance.
And I thiiiiink "ma étoile" is supposed to me "mon étoile." This only came to mind because "ma étoile" would look like "m'étoile" and Google translate doesn't do a thing with that when typed in. (Like, "c'est" is a combination of "ce est." Putting the two together makes it smooth to say.)
I need to take French classes again. Man. x-x
Keep up the awesome sexy work! ;D Looking forward to the next part. |D
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Post by NeonAzure on Oct 2, 2011 10:51:33 GMT -5
Skipping the naughty scene for the moment (can't focus on it at the moment. That stuff requires a certain mindset to write) So, here's the morning after with hints of what to expect. Not much to it yet... Attachments:
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Post by siffyleafylav on Oct 2, 2011 10:55:23 GMT -5
Ohohohohoho! GOOOD LODRD NICE!
NICE!
NICE!
LOVINGIT!!((I honestly don't see what the problem here is, your write fine, maybe i wanted to see a little more details but, eh. You're the author!))
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Post by NeonAzure on Oct 2, 2011 11:04:18 GMT -5
details will be in the naughty scene... this is for everybody who wants to skip it.
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Rosalinda
Member
Sweet Little Bug
Thats How We Are.. La Seine and I
Posts: 100
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Post by Rosalinda on Oct 2, 2011 18:39:53 GMT -5
Lord That small part had just sent a frenzy of flashes of naughtyness into my brain! But i say very good, i hope that one day you will put the naughty, if not let me know and i shall write it for you, i have no trouble of writing the naughty, i hope to see more soon
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Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
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Post by Sharky on Oct 2, 2011 18:51:02 GMT -5
-closes most other tabs to avoid distractions- Bahaha ^^;
I thought I'd be sad with the shortness of this part but it worked out very well! The descriptions of the previous night were subtle but they sure told a lot and made it easy to leave things up to the imagination. And boy, am I a sucker for inner turmoil. I demand more of it! D:< (I also like Chaos' nonchalance about the whole thing so far xD)
I wonder if adding small bits and pieces of flashbacks from the night into this part would help ease you into writing the actual act? Just a thought. It's whatever you want to do. :)
Again, overall doing a very good job with this. Looking forward to the next part, no matter what part it is. It's a very interesting story as a whole. ^^
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Post by NeonAzure on Oct 2, 2011 19:15:56 GMT -5
Ah, thanks. ^u^
It's not that I'm having trouble writing the naughty bits, I just can't focus my mind on it. Don't worry, when the right mood strikes I will get to work on it.
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Post by NeonAzure on Oct 3, 2011 3:30:27 GMT -5
The mood hath struck! A taste of the naughty for you, my pets. Mwahahaha! ;D  Attachments:
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Post by siffyleafylav on Oct 3, 2011 8:49:01 GMT -5
I WANT A BITE< NOT A TASTE!!!
YOUU GOT MEEE WANTN more!
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Post by Rockinmuffin on Oct 3, 2011 12:27:16 GMT -5
The mood hath struck! A taste of the naughty for you, my pets. Mwahahaha! ;D Delicious~! My appetite is thoroughly whetted. |
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Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
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Post by Sharky on Oct 3, 2011 18:23:00 GMT -5
OOOOGMAIGAWD NEON. OHMAIGAWD. Super short but zomg that was super awesome and super sexy. (Can I say "super" even more? Supersupersupersuper~!) Very sensual. <3
I...I don't know what else to say. It made meh happeh and all warm and fuzzy inside. <3 THE MOOD TO WRITE THIS MUST HIT YOU MORE OFTEN. >8U
Keep up the awesome work. :D
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chaos
Member
I am CHAOS
Posts: 18
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Post by chaos on Oct 3, 2011 23:17:04 GMT -5
I am not sure if I should read this.
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naznasan
Member
i am your angel of music
Posts: 6
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Post by naznasan on Oct 4, 2011 10:41:59 GMT -5
this is so riske. i hope francoeur is alright with this.
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Post by NeonAzure on Oct 14, 2011 2:46:47 GMT -5
Okay. Here's some more of the naughty scene... a lot more actually. And be warned it does get a bit... painful? toward the end a bit... It's not done yet, but I'm still working on it. Enjoy? Attachments:
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