|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 25, 2011 16:45:35 GMT -5
Ok... so I got permission from ShadowLillium to write this, and to use her character Chaos flea... But I need some feedback. Here's a breakdown of the plot (keep in mind this is mostly based on my newest picture and late-night nose-bleed-inducing daydreaming. >///>): -beginning *DONE* -first meeting *DONE* -make-out/molestation? *DONE* (fave part so far) -corruption -first kill -back to the hideout -sexy-time -breakfast -out on the town -Lucille finds Francoeur -back to the cabaret -something's wrong -errands -"why didn't you tell us?" -voice or song? -the performance -... (still trying to figure out the ending.) So, yeah... this is turning out to be more than just a drabble... Here's what I've written so far: Attachments:
|
|
|
Post by siffyleafylav on Sept 25, 2011 16:54:10 GMT -5
*isstaring open mouthed, at screen. Cannot compute speech...
Wow...just...wow...
|
|
Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
|
Post by Sharky on Sept 25, 2011 18:02:48 GMT -5
-jumps for joy- YAAAAAAAAAAAY!! :D
Zomg you write so wonderfully! Never once felt dull. And the part about Francoeur thinking Chaos was a vampire made me smile. xD
And of course the kiss scene was dang sexay! ;D <3 I like that it's not pure smut stuff going on here. A balance of different elements is good.
You're an awesome writer. :D I can't wait for you to add more to this~!
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 26, 2011 13:05:56 GMT -5
Okay, here's some more. Some minor changes, some new additions and getting closer to finishing this part, just kinda mentally constipated at the moment and can't think to write the next bit. Some actual critique would be nice this time, too, instead of just indistinct praise. EDIT TO ADD: Why do I like this pairing so much? I don't usually enjoy male/male pairings, so why does this appeal to me so much? What is it about these two (or my interpretation of them) that makes this so DAMN SEXY?! I just don't understand it! But I love it! GAH! Someone help explain this to me! (just needed to express that. Derp! :9 ) Attachments:
|
|
kinkachu
Member
I see what you did there.... and I like it
Posts: 117
|
Post by kinkachu on Sept 27, 2011 7:33:30 GMT -5
Maybe you like the concept of corrupting poor Francoeur. He has to become a man some time.
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 28, 2011 14:17:36 GMT -5
Almost finished this first part... Then comes the naughty part.. X3 I'm making it separate so people can choose to skip it if it's too much for them. Then it's onto the next parts... and I still have no idea where I'm going with this... it just keeps expanding... I really just wanted to write some naughty Franc/Chaos... >.>; Attachments:
|
|
Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
|
Post by Sharky on Sept 28, 2011 20:38:09 GMT -5
Asdfghjkl; I'm sorry I didn't get to this until now! D: -bookmarks this thread- There~! <3
Okie dokie, thoughts on what you've added~!
The part with the girl that's killed feels a little incomplete I think that she could use a bit more of an introduction (nothing big or complex) rather than just plopping her in there, so that the reader feels for her when she's brought down. Like, have the scene on Franc and Chaos, with Chaos about to lead him to some unlucky soul (the girl), then focus on said girl for a while, make it clear why she's out and about at night. Come back to Franc and Chaos, who have found the girl and are watching her from the rooftops. Then proceed with the attack.
Plus given Franc's curious nature I'd imagine he'd be very attentive towards Chaos, so he wouldn't be "out of it" a little at the beginning of the attack. Unless you're going for a "too much new information too fast so my head is spinning" sort of effect on Franc, then I can understand that.
And one more little thing. I'd think that Chaos would be more annoyed with Franc about his wanting to protect the girl. But, this is your version of Chaos so I suppose I don't have much say in that. xD
Just some thoughts/ideas. :) Hope it's not offensive or you take it the wrong way or anything, though that could just be me thinking that. (I know I don't take criticism well at all whether it's good, bad, or constructive. xD )
Oh, and the French you've used needs a little tweaking. - "La Monstre" should be "Le Monstre" since Chaos is male - "mon cheri" (when Chaos is saying it) should be "ma chérie" since Chaos is speaking to a girl - "mon chez" should be "chez moi" since "chez" basically stands for "at/to the house of," so literally translated it'd be "to the house of me." But in this case it means "to my house/home." Given that, it'd be best if that whole sentence is in French ("Bienvenue chez moi"), or else it'd sound funny.
Yay three years of French that I sort of remember! 8D Gotta love that masculine/feminine stuff! xD
Again, don't take anything personally. Your writing ability is amazing and I love your attention to the little details. <3 These are just my thoughts and opinions. :3 I hope they help. xD
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 28, 2011 21:42:48 GMT -5
Thanks, that is very helpful. I'll get to tweaking it with your suggestions. ^u^
|
|
Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
|
Post by Sharky on Sept 28, 2011 21:46:25 GMT -5
Awesome! I can't wait to see what changes and improvements you make! :D <3
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 28, 2011 21:49:28 GMT -5
Aside from those helpful tips.. what did you think?
|
|
Sharky
Member
Omnomnom <3
Posts: 76
|
Post by Sharky on Sept 28, 2011 22:15:27 GMT -5
So far I think you're doing really well with the story. I think I've commented before when you first posted part of it that I like how it's not just straight-up smut stuff. Its got more meat on it than that. It's really making wonder what Lucille (maybe Raoul and Emile too?) would think of it. Judging by the little outline you've made you'll cover that.
Franc is still adorable (It made me smile when he folded his clothes xD), and Chaos is awesomely badass (the part with the pigeon and how he doesn't even acknowledge Franc's discomfort was wicked. The "wet crack" description was surprisingly perfect! xD)
It's sad that more people aren't reading/commenting on this story. I'd say it's not their cup of tea, but there seems to be plenty of slash fans in this fandom out there (or so it seemed...). D: But don't let it discourage you! I think your writing is damn good! x)
(Sorry this took forever. Many distractions in my house. @-@ )
|
|
|
Post by AkaneRose on Sept 28, 2011 22:32:23 GMT -5
I must say, usually I'm a bit hesitant about reading slash, but I'm really enjoying this! ^_^ You're doing an awesome job, keep it up!
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 28, 2011 23:47:09 GMT -5
Awww, thanks guys! That's really encouraging! ^u^
I'll be sure to keep writing more for you guys.
|
|
|
Post by NeonAzure on Sept 29, 2011 16:08:43 GMT -5
Part One is complete, including some of the suggested changes/additions and some tweaking of my own. I had to readjust Franc and Chaos' interactions a bit as I'm reevaluating the personality of my Chaos and making him a bit more like the original. Mostly because his personality keeps evolving anyway. And mine was becoming too prissy and not badass enough. Also, those who choose to may skip the next part as it'll be pure smut, neither adding (being implied is enough for the story's purpose) nor (hopefully) taking away from the story. And I'll... get to work on that soon. *has never written slash smut, nor flea smut, before* o~o; Attachments:
|
|
|
Post by Rockinmuffin on Sept 29, 2011 16:51:16 GMT -5
CHAOS, Y U SO SEXY?! Seriously, no fair. Evil giant fleas who murder and take advantage of innocent adorable fleas should not be so sexy. And yet, here we are.
|
|